TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from place. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let us have another put where by American Males can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: present Everybody a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is that he need to stop working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the challenge, replied, "You recognize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from House, a element staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after finding the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting notice from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down assistance."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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